dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm passing your future prison.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
