what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
two words: eviction party
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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