I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
jump out the window naked night went bad
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