Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
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I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
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I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize