I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
