Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
