Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Ketchup is God's man juice
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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