We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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