Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
