I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
