The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
