I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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