I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
