Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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