So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
