Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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