I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
