Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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