Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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