the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I am naked and annoyed.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
