Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
