Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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