I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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