He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
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She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
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This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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