Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
