Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
