Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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