If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
