It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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