I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
