So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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