My cat gives me a boner
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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