I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
