he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
