Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
