Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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