Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
