I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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