Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
