She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
