So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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