drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
