You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
