Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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