Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.