Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.