3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
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....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
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we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!