It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
