How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
