Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
