whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
