Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
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