My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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