i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
