The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
MIDGETS
????
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
