I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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