I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
